Depression

I can't believe that I have fallen into this hole again.  As I look back at my blogs for the past few weeks I can see it happening again.  I had all these plans about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go, and now I find myself slogging through life once again.

I don't know how this has happened or even what started it.  I think it began with losing the memior.  The task of starting over was just so overwhelming.  I had just been though all that with the novel.  I am getting rejection letters on that as well and it is hard to deal with.  I love my story but apparently others don't.  I know I have to be all right with that, but it is still difficult.

I am also reaching the end of a divorce.  All that is left now of 30 years of marriage is a trip to the courthouse to file the papers.  Other friends are going out, being asked on dates, and I sit here alone with my laptop playing hearts.  My adult daughters have their own lives and I not want to be an intruder on them.  I have four days off at Thanksgiving and I will be alone for most of it.  I am afraid Christmas will be just as bad.  I knew this would happen but it hurts none the less.  The pottery class I was looking forward to was cancled.  I feel increasingly isolated.

Maybe it is the laptop.  Before I got it, I would have to go to my desk and look out the window.  I could see the sky, the trees, and the cars passing on the road.  Maybe my easy chair is just too confining.

I had all these plans, but they have come to nothing.  Maybe I need Prozac or just a swift kick in the butt.

Next week I am getting a haircut; the first one in four years. I want to feel attractive.  I have signed to go to a medical conference in two weeks; I will talk to people.   I will get out of this chair and go sit at my desk.  I have another query letter to send out--this one will go to the person who will love my book.  I am going to Amsterdam with my cousins next summer.  I will get off this pity pot and make a life for myself.  I must start to concentrate on the positives.