I can't believe that I have fallen into this hole again. As I look back at my blogs for the past few weeks I can see it happening again. I had all these plans about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go, and now I find myself slogging through life once again.
I don't know how this has happened or even what started it. I think it began with losing the memior. The task of starting over was just so overwhelming. I had just been though all that with the novel. I am getting rejection letters on that as well and it is hard to deal with. I love my story but apparently others don't. I know I have to be all right with that, but it is still difficult.
I am also reaching the end of a divorce. All that is left now of 30 years of marriage is a trip to the courthouse to file the papers. Other friends are going out, being asked on dates, and I sit here alone with my laptop playing hearts. My adult daughters have their own lives and I not want to be an intruder on them. I have four days off at Thanksgiving and I will be alone for most of it. I am afraid Christmas will be just as bad. I knew this would happen but it hurts none the less. The pottery class I was looking forward to was cancled. I feel increasingly isolated.
Maybe it is the laptop. Before I got it, I would have to go to my desk and look out the window. I could see the sky, the trees, and the cars passing on the road. Maybe my easy chair is just too confining.
I had all these plans, but they have come to nothing. Maybe I need Prozac or just a swift kick in the butt.
Next week I am getting a haircut; the first one in four years. I want to feel attractive. I have signed to go to a medical conference in two weeks; I will talk to people. I will get out of this chair and go sit at my desk. I have another query letter to send out--this one will go to the person who will love my book. I am going to Amsterdam with my cousins next summer. I will get off this pity pot and make a life for myself. I must start to concentrate on the positives.